Friday, 31 July 2009
Finding joy
You may have noticed that I'm not a joyous or joyful person. I have odd, widely spaced moments of happiness, contentment, joy, but, believe me, they ARE very rare. The last few months have been difficult: not quite depressed, but not quite 'not depressed'. On the edge, ready to tumble over and down, that's how I'd describe it. I've had a major case of the GUILTS, every time I think of Raro I end up crying, and it's mostly to do with 'HOW COULD I?' (bawling again now) and 'WHAT IF?'. Sigh; what if indeed. I thought I was coming to an end of the grieving a couple of weeks ago when I had an 'I haven't cried for a few days' moment. I was wrong. My heart is pierced and is going to take a long time to heal. Anyhoo, this isn't the track I set out on in writing this post: today, I found joy. All I was doing was taking a bag of good, unworn-for-ages-or-at-all clothes around to one of the clothing bins dotted around the city, when I found myself singing in my heart and feeling good; feeling JOY. All the way there and all the way back, and right up until I logged on. Then the sads took over again. Which is okay, because I know that joy is out there, or rather, in there, waiting to be tapped into. We can't live in joy all the time (can we?), but we can treasure it always.
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3 comments:
Grief takes its course and I don't think we can fit it into a timetable or schedule. Accept your sadness... I cannot see a reason for you to feel guilty.
Speaking of guilt: I am so sorry that I missed your post about Raro. Such a passage would leave anyone feeling low. I am sending my sincerest wishes for your heart to heal, for more joy to finds its way in to your life. ((hugs))
Be kind to yourself dear.
You have nothing to feel guilty about sis, Raro was a very much loved cat and you gave her 12 odd years of love and kindness and you took her suffering away in the end which is the best any one could have done for her. Depression sinking in here as well. I understand u completely, a cliff is looming with me as well, but I'm determined not to fall! Together we will sore above it all and enjoy the happiness when we can. Love you heaps sis xxx
I unpacked my pen, the one you lovingly gave a knit sleeve and sent to me.
Have you heard? We moved. It is good and sometimes sad, because I feel so overwhelmed by starting over, again.
And you?
How are you?
I think of you and it is cheering to remember that I have friends all over.
I am sending (((hugs)))
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