Raro, 6.12.1995 - 15.4.2009

Raro 15.4.2009
Originally uploaded by campbellgirl

Oh friends, my heart is broken. I chose to have Raro put to sleep this week. She had been getting thinner over the past couple of months and I kept on denying to myself that she needed help. I suspected an overactive thyroid - she had most of the symptoms - but I didn't want to "know" the truth. She appeared happy - catching cicadas and bringing them to show me before eating them, sleeping in the sun, doing rolleypoles on the warm driveway, coming out to greet me when I came home from town. Her fur remained soft and shiny. But then on Monday and Tuesday of this week she really slowed down and wasn't coming in for her usual biscuit breaks, just spent her time laying in the sun by the letterbox - a favourite possie. Her breathing had become somewhat laboured and her eyes looked tired and dull. I took her to the vet, who suspected the thyroid too. I had to leave her there so they could do some tests and observe.

Next afternoon the vet rang to say the results hadn't come back yet, and that they had discovered fluid in the chest. They drained some of it but Ra was still in a distressed state. I said I'd come down.

I went in to sit with my precious little friend and Susan (the vet) told me what they had done and what they still could do. She left me to check for the results again, and as I sat gently patting Ra I knew what I had to do. When Susan came back I said : Let's put her to sleep. They were both the easiest and the hardest words I've ever said.

Kelv arrived just after 6pm, straight from work, and we both had some final time with her. It was lovely, she purred and walked about a little. Kelv held her and we said some words to her. Then Susan came back, and it was time. Kelv opted to sit in the waiting room but I chose to be with Ra for the end. Susan and her assistant were wonderful - gentle and matter-of-fact, no drama at all. Ra was sedated so there was no struggle; I think she was ready to go. I patted her softly while the needle went in and the anaesthetic was administered. It was so quick that, to be honest, I couldn't tell the moment that she died. There was no flinch or movement or discomfort; her breathing just stopped and she was gone, in peace. It was a privilege to be there and it was dignified and so gentle - just like Ra.

We wrapped her in my fleece cardy and I carried her in my arms out to Kelv. We brought her home and I laid her on my bed. We had a quiet dinner and watched some telly. I had to go to bed early - crying gives me massive headaches - and I then knew where I wanted Ra to spend her last night with me. Still wrapped in my cardy - you know how soft and warm fleece is - I put her on the pillow next to mine, and there she 'slept' all night. Scotty jumped up and snuggled next to me, which was so lovely, but I hardly got a wink of sleep. I cried and cried and I talked to/with God and kept checking to make sure Scotty kept on breathing. And then it was morning.

I don't know what cat's think, but since Raro and Scotty were siblings and had spent practically their entire lives together (they were from separate litters), I didn't want Ra to just 'disappear' from Scotty's life, so I unwrapped Ra and let him see and smell her. He did that and softly backed away. I patted Ra and took her picture, that's it at the top - see, she looks just like she's sleeping. Lovely girl. I wrote a little note for her, one one side I asked God to watch over her and on the other I told her how much she meant to me and thanked her for sharing her life, and death, with me. I popped it in a wee envelope with a few of her treats and laid it on the cardy with her. It was time to lay her to rest.

We chose a spot next to the trees she used to lay under, by the back fence. Kelv's digging produced the perfectly sized grave; I put my note in first, then we gently laid her down, and had one last pat. I sprinkled some of the soil over her and then Kelv took over. It pretty much broke him to cover her, so I took a turn too. Strangely enough, what was so hard for him was easy for me. There was no doubt in my mind, and I just knew and felt that it was right, what needed to be done. Inadequate words that don't truly express what I want to say. Our filling in was not very tidy but I think we had reached our limit. I went out earlier today and tidied up and made the bare earth smooth. We have a chrysanthemum to plant there later and some pansy plants - the ones with the whiskers on their faces. Pauline asked me to put a flower on the grave, just a daisy if there wasn't anything else around, so I picked a beautiful dark pink 'pink' (dianthus) and put it on Ra's grave from P and Spen.

I spent a lot of time crying yesterday; crying, praying and feeling lost and gutted. I think Scotty felt the same way - he slept in odd places, and wanted more touch than usual. I have the feeling that he may age very quickly now, so every second with him has become so much more precious. I did sleep last night and I didn't cry until this morning. In the post I got a lovely card from the vet clinic with a special poem in it:

The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow weak, and pain should keep me from my sleep;

Then you must do what must be done; for this last battle can't be won.

You will be sad, I understand; but don't let grief then stay your hand.

For on this day more than all the rest, your love and friendship must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years; what is to come can hold no fears.

You don't want me to suffer so... the time has come, please let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend, but please stay with me till the end.

To hold me close and speak to me, until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree, it was a kindness done to me.

Although my tail its last has waved, from pain and suffering I have been saved.

Please do not grieve that it was you who has this painful thing to do.

We've been so close, we two, these years; don't let your heart hold any tears.

-Author Unknown

Beautiful, just like my Ra.